It's anybody's guess...

Yes, it’s another entry dedicated to Amy Winehouse. Come on, she’s perfect blog fodder, especially when she’s slapping around her fans.

In between the weather and traffic reports this morning, I caught the latest “news” headline: Winehouse hit a fan after she tried to cop a feel of the beehive. Makes you wonder what she’s got stashed in that mess of hair placed so eloquently on her head…

That brings us to our first guessing game. Aside from a rat’s nest, what do YOU think is hidden in that havoc of hair?

~Dutchess Halfmoon

Image from www.koodos.com.

Yes! Finally, Vern Troyer has a Sex Tape. Midgets Around the World Rejoice!

In a day I thought would never come, Mini-Me, Vern Troyer has a sex tape. Turns out a third party snatched the tape of Troyer and his former ex/live-in girlfriend. Midgets around the the world are probably celebrating like we just defeated the Nazis. I heard there was a ticker tape parade when this news was announced. 

Troyer, is like the god to midgets everywhere. He just fulfilled every little guys fantasy. Hooking up with a Giant. .. but...

My thoughts... HOW DOES THIS EVEN WORK??! I mean Vern is a "little person" and his girlfriend at the time is ...of...  normal size. This is like Jack hooking up with the Giant's wife from Jack and the Beanstock.  

I'm not even gonna attempt to download any videos of this. I'd probably be grossed out and worried for his safety.

What if he falls in and gets trapped. I mean seriously... how big do you think his "mini me" is? She probably had to handle it with tweezers and a 50x zoom magnifying lens. 

This might be one of the few moments where we can clearly say.. "dude, she faked it."

But this might be good PR for Troyer. He needs it. I heard he was pretty bummed when he didn't get the Tony Stark role in Iron Man. (The part went to Robert Downey Jr.) I so thought it was in the bag.

So now I can officially cross Troyer off the list of celebs who need sex tapes. The only people I have left is..

• Dakota Fanning
• Haley Joel Osmet
• The Pope
• Betty White
• Kermit the Frog

- Fluffy Clark

Boston: Waterfalls

Yankees – Red Sox, Patriots – Jets, Waterfall vs Waterfall?

In light of the NYC grand opening of their newest art exhibition, NYCWaterfalls; leave it up to rival city Boston to one up the city of New York.

Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino stated in a press conference months ago that “If New York can do it... We can do it 100x better”

He seriously wasn’t kidding.

Early this morning Boston unveiled their version, Waterfalls Boston: Bigger and Badder. Let’s just say, they used a little too much water. Oh and Bigger and Badder DO NOT even begin to describe this art installation.

Bostonians fleeing the unveiling ceremony seconds after the water was turned on

Aerial shot of Waterfalls Boston seconds after the water being turned on.

- Fluffy Clark

Strike Three... You're OUT!

ABC News and several other major media outlets are currently recanting their story on the alleged authenticity of a “fake” video of a ball girl jumping several feet in the air to catch a ball at a Tacoma Rainiers-Fresno Grizzlies match up. Instead of reporting on the rising costs of gas, the government’s recent re-negotiations with North Korea, and Shia apparently becoming my baby’s daddy, these news outlets reported the “discovery” this forwarded film is a fake.

Not so says Jane Doe,* the star of the film.

“I always wanted to play professional baseball,” Doe says in a statement to the media. “They don’t let girls play, so the second best thing was to become a ball girl. I’ve worked really hard to get improve my endurance and agility. It’s really hard to have it all chocked up to a Gatorade commercial.”

Doe has asked for her identity to remain anonymous because she worries about the repercussions it will have. “People have been calling the news agencies to find out my name and location, just so they can recruit me.”

Doe’s parents also have concerns about the publicity. “She is only 13 years old. She still has a lot of growing to do. We don’t want her to turn out like Lindsay Lohan.”

Calls to Gatorade were not returned.

*Names have been changed for privacy protection.

~Dutchess Halfmoon

Shia Gets Some Shocking News

Here's Shia's reaction when he found out he's having Dutchess' baby. That's right, you read that correctly.. having Dutchess' baby. Like a guest on Jerry Springer, he denied it. 

Oh and here's his reaction after the call...

I think he looks totally psyched!

- Fluffy Clark

Say it with a Shirt

I am an addict when it comes to celebrity fights. I liked it much better when Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie weren't friends. Even if it was totally planned for TV ratings, the smack talk was rampant in the tabloids... so much fun!

I love it even more when the fights go down via t-shirt slogans. (Remember Britney's MILF tee... I so wanted to pop one out just so I could sport her style...). But seriously, what better way to throw down?!?

Jessica Simpson created the latest apparel attack against Carrie Underwood (her bf Tony Romo's ex), after she was photographed wearing a tee reading "Real Girls Eat Meat." It was a true attack on character, as Underwood currently holds the two-time PETA title "Sexiest Vegetarian." It's still up on the air on who's character was really attacked in this scenario... Also still to be determined– whether or not Jessica can decipher what "meat" is.

But hold the BBQ sauce! In recent news, PETA states Underwood may lose her title after sporting her comeback:

The authenticity of this photograph has yet to be proven, but in either case, it makes a statement.

Simpson photograph/omg.yahoo.com. Underwood Photo-illustration/Dutchess Halfmoon.

~Dutchess Halfmoon

McConaughey Godfather of Surfing Gang

Reports have surfaced that the paparazzi reporter that was "assaulted" by a "group" of surfers known to be friends with Matthew McConaughey has file charges. He claims he was injured and his camera was thrown into the ocean when he tried to take photos of the hollywood star.

Best part is.. the surfers threatened the paparazzi by drawing a line on the sand and saying, "if you can beat us, you can have the beach." Then Frankie Avalon appeared with a pair of knives and fought off the cameramen.

Through my further investigation, I have discovered that McConaughey is actually the leader of this surfing gang in southern California. When not surfing(or making films) it turns out they dress up as former US Presidents and hold up banks. McConaughey, also known as "Bodhi" to his fellow made-men, has repeatedly denied he is part of a gang. But my dear friend, former Ohio State QB, FBI agent, Johnny Utah has stated that his investigation proves McConaughey's involvement.

By posting this, I'll probably be dead by torture later today. I'm sure McConaughey sent his henchmen to my home ready to tie me up, burn me with surf board wax and force me to listen to Jack Johnson tunes till my ears bleed. By midnight, I'll probably be sleeping with the sharks.  Tell my wife (Megan Fox) that I love her.... and no sex EVER after I die... if it was up to me, she'd be coming with me... like a Viking funeral. Ah, those were the days.

- Fluffy Clark

The Women of Sex and the City are Role Models

HBO's show, Sex and the City redefined the public's perception of the "modern woman." The women on the show were successful, independent, beautiful women who proved that their accomplishments were not based on looks alone. So much so that... (courtesy of Page Six)

Maybe seeing themselves on the big screen was too much to take for "Sex and the City" stars Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis. Apparently, soon after the movie's release, they both paid a visit to Roosevelt Hospital on 10th Avenue for minor surgeries. "Cynthia had a breast augmentation and soon after, Kristin had the varicose veins on her legs removed," said an insider. "They both made sure they did it on the quietest day of the week." It could explain why Davis always wears long hems. Nixon, whose rep denied the surgery, could have been disappointed with her topless scene. Davis' rep had no comment."

I'm hoping there's a sequel to the Sex and the City movie. Can you imagine? It'll take place 1 hour after the events of the first film and (spoiler here... DON'T READ AHEAD IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW)

Big dumps Carrie's ass after realizing... "shit, I'm f-ckin' money..... in 10 years, Carrie will look like a mummy and I'll age like a fine wine ready to pounce on some 21 year old model. I can't do this." This then leads to Carrie writing any article about "Cougars" and seeing if there is a sex life after the age of 65. I'm sure at this point Samantha would of gotten an STD (or even created a new strain of Herpes especially after all those dudes she got with. She'll be like medusa.. but not as pretty; if you look directly at her, you probably contracted something.) Charlotte will probably attempt to have a kid at age 55 and Miranda will probably end up gay after realizing how gross Steve is. I know what you're thinking.. and the answer is "no I don't watch the show. I'm usually too busy reading my issues of Maxim magazine at that time."

- Fluffy Clark

Red Carpet Highlights: The Daytime Emmys

Jeanne Cooper (Young and the Restless) prepares to take flight in her Flying Squirrel dress.

They are quite the trend setters on the set of the Young and the Restless! Greg Rikaart gets creative after an incident with a shredder and his tie... or is that a pathetic excuse for a scarf?

Always a symbol of style and grace, Tyra picks a tasteful number to go with her new platinum 'do.

Photos courtesy of omg.yahoo.com.

~Dutchess Halfmoon

Mike Myers is Celebrity Royalty

Mike Myers was on the Conan O'Brien show earlier this week to promote his amazing, Oscar-worthy film, The Love Guru. Staffers on the show claimed he was a pain in the ass.

..he drove backstage staffers bonkers while he waited to go on. "He sent a team of interns on a wild goose chase for Silk nondairy creamer, Twizzlers and raspberry seltzer," said our witness. "Then he sent one of the interns back out to get him a new drink when he realized his seltzer was not the brand he requested."

OK, seriously?? What's the problem here people? This doesn't sound any different from the normal, average lifestyle Dutchess and I have everyday. At our job, we have the interns make us a Komono Dragon Egg Omelette EVERY morning. Sometimes, we ask them to fetch us OJ from Florida, light my cigarette with a lit $100 bill, or feed my steak to me like a momma bird. Dutchess will have them massage her corns or ask them to stand still while we toss garbage, wet cabbage and other degrading stuff in their face. Oh and they can't make direct eye contact with me and must always be on their hands and knees in my presence. Is that unreasonable? I don't think so. Geez people... get a life!!

- Fluffy Clark

Coming Soon: Orchestra Hero

Harmonix and Activision, the makers of the hit video games, Guitar Hero and Rock Band, comes the newest addition, ORCHESTRA HERO. 

Why bother having 4 friends rock it out in Rock Band when you can have 50(that's the minimum... max 100) of your closest friends jamming out your symphony fantasies in your small ass East Village apartment. You choose from such instruments as piccolos, flutes, oboes, english horns, clarinets, bass clarinets, bassoons, contrabassoons, horns, trumpets, trombones, bass trombones, tubas, timpanis, snare drums, tenor drums, bass drums, cymbals, triangles, wood blocks, tamborines, marimbas, vibraphones, xylophones, glockenspiels, gongs, tubular bells, saxophones, alto saxophones, baritone saxophones, classical guitars, sitars, bass guitars, cowbells, harps, violins, violas, violoncellos, double basses, cellos, bagpipes, african tribal whistles, spoons, air guitars, and empty jug bottles.

The game also features hit tracks from the 80's... 1780's!! Now you can jam to tracks from famous composers such as Handel, Mozart, Beethoven, Vivaldi, Sousa, and John Tesh.

But how much does this cost? $50... nope...... $100.... nope...... $200... not even close.... It would cost you over $6000 to have every instrument just to play the game. 

- Fluffy Clark

Battle of the Celebrity Spawn

It's certainly no death match, but I thought I'd start off in true Celebraholic-style. Our first celeb battle squares up Jamie Lynn Spear's new squirt against Jessica Alba's superbabe. (Let's be realistic here. How long did you think we could go without mentioning a Spears?!?) Kumité!

Round 1: What's in Name? Jamie Lynn keeps it southern, naming her baby girl Maddie Briann. Alba, on the other hand, stays true to celeb status, adding another crazy name to the celebrity kids list: Honor Marie. What did you expect from a woman who married a man named Cash? Round 1 Winner: Honor Marie.

Round 2: Baby's Daddy? Cash Warren, Alba's hubby, has a nice resume, including Made in America and Fantastic Four. I've never even heard of 19-year-old Casey Aldridge. Google him. Seriously, this kid's professional title is going to be Baby Daddy. I wouldn't be surprised if he pulled a K-Fed. Round 2 Winner: Sorry Maddie, but this one goes to Honor Marie.

Round 3: Are you My Mom? Disney versus Dark Angel? Please. Do I even have to go through this one? Age aside, if Honor inherits any of her superhero-of-a-Mom's kick butt moves, Maddie doesn't stand a chance. Round 3 Winner: The Superbabe.

Round 4: Show Me The Money. Although she's still got plenty in the piggy bank from Fantastic Four II and The Love Guru, the only thing Alba's cashing in on recently is motherhood. Interview after interview, she describes her hopes to be a "strict mom." If Lynne Spears rubs off on her daughter at all, Maddie will certainly be making bank. After selling out on her daughter's story, let's not hold our breathe to find out how much they'll be making off of those baby pics... Oh, the insanity. Round 4 Winner: Million Dollar Baby Maddie.

Winner: Honor. Hey, this name is starting to make sense...

~Dutchess Halfmoon

Amy Winehouse is Quite the Looker

Amy Winehouse looks hot. She looks like she just got back from a long day of assembling B-29 World War II bombers. (that is soooo sexy) Rosie the Riveter (AKA Amy Winehouse) fainted in her home earlier this week and supposedly it has something to do with a chest infection and an irregular heartbeat. Pfft... whatever... I think it's those long days at the munitions factory while the men are fighting in the Pacific. Way to go Amy.. "You Can Do It!!"

- Fluffy Clark

Are You a "Celebraholic"?

This is the most awesomest blog you will ever read. Like ever. Seriously.

If you can't wait to see the latest issue of US Weekly in your mailbox, this blog is for you. If you TiVo every reality show known to man, this blog is for you. And if you're sick and tired of seeing celebrity "news" on Good Morning American, this blog is for you.

Side note here: According to Wikipedia (the most reliable resource on the web) the word "PARODY" is defined as: "a work created to mock, comment on, or poke fun at an original work, its subject, or author, by means of humorous or satiric imitation."

Let the fun begin!

~Dutchess Halfmoon