Life as a Demagogue

Interracial Marriages in America!

2010-06-07T08:53:00.002-04:00

Sure this is great but I want to see the breakdown of genders (i.e. - is the female non-white or white)

CNN's article on Interracial Marriages

I Want to be the Asian Tyler Perry

2009-08-20T07:58:00.004-04:00

Everywhere I go, I see a new Tyler Perry movie (going straight to DVD) advertised in the streets of NYC. Today I saw a poster for this one...

If any of you don't know who Tyler Perry is.. here's a short description of him from wikipedia..

American playwright, screenwriter, actor, director, and producer of indie films and stage plays. His best-known character is "Madea", who is a physically imposing and overbearing but well-intentioned woman who serves both as comic relief and as the loud voice of conscience for the protagonists of Perry's works.

Anyway.. look at his resume.. he's written so many films. I mean, the titles alone are brilliant.

I Can Do Bad All by Myself (oh word?)
House of Payne (TV) (let me guess.. is the family's last name... Payne?)
The Family That Preys
Meet the Browns (TV)
Why Did I Get Married? (brilliant by the way. I think I fell in love with Kerry Washington)
Why Did I Get Married Too
Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Madea Goes to Jail
Madea's Family Reunion (are you seeing a trend here? This is like the next generation of Ernest movies)
Madea's Class Reunion

Just looking at those titles makes me wonder how this guy doesn't have Emmys or Oscars. An outrage I tell you.

So my friend Jamie and I have this ongoing movie idea. It's starting to cross along the lines of Joy Luck Club, Kentucky Fried Movie, and Black Hawk Down (ok maybe not this one) but it'll be brilliant I tell you. Brilliant!! Move over Titanic.

Anyway, if I was the asian Tyler Perry, you can expect such titles as..

House of Pei
I Can Do Submissive All by Myself
Diary of a Quiet Asian Man
Ming Goes to Chinese School Reunion
Why Did I Get Arranged

I can see it.. I would have a pool of beautiful asian actresses working with a limited and extremely rare asian male talent pool. Jin from LOST, I'm looking at you.

Your Story is so Coyote Ugly

2009-08-19T21:39:00.005-04:00

I sometimes can't believe I actually live in NYC. But there's this part of me that feels like I'm "just visiting" and I don't mind not being considered a New Yorker. I just don't like it when people say.. "you're from jersey??!! Eww". That's not very polite if you ask me. And the thing is, I actually get that a lot. When people hear you are from that side of the Hudson, they give that reaction like you're from a third world country of something.

I don't know. I think I fit in very well here. Maybe not by my appearance(i'm like 4x the weight of the average hipster and they weight about 50 lbs each) but I think I have the mentality(did I just sound cocky there?). It's amusing when that sheltered friend says to you, "oh man, be careful, I don't want to see you get killed." I immediately think of that ridiculous scene from Coyote Ugly where Violet has that farewell party with her friends from Sayreville. "Oh my god Violet.. you're moving to the big city!" Jesus Christ people, Sayreville is like 30 miles from NYC, it's not like she's coming from Africa.

I find Coyote Ugly highly amusing fiction. Maybe I think too much but I want to know what was Violet's game plan. Seriously, the girl packed up her stuff and moved (30 miles away) with 1.) NO JOB, 2.) No roommates and a fairly spacey apartment(by NYC standards) for HERSELF and 3.) with a plan of being a songwriter as income. Seriously girl?? Really??

Anyway, life is good these days. Surprisingly getting by financially. The Ramen diet is working out too. But I really miss driving. Like really miss it. Having a car in NYC is a luxury. Everyone walks or takes public transportation. Some people will never understand.. there's a type of freedom that comes with driving and that's the ability to hit a pedestrian. Kidding.

LaBlogotheque is my teacher, mother, secret lover.

2009-05-26T10:37:00.002-04:00

If you don't know anything about LaBlogotheque.. here's a description.

Every week, they invite an artist or a band to play in the streets, in a bar, a park, or even in a flat or in an elevator, and we film the whole session. What makes the beauty of it is all the little incidents, hesitations, and crazy stuff happening unexpectingly. They do not edit the videos so they look perfectly flawless, instead they keep the raw sound of the surroundings. Our goal is to try and capture instants, film the music just like it happens, without preparation, without tricks. Spontaneity is the keyword.

Here's another kick ass video..

Paul Rudd and the Death of Coldplay

2009-04-22T15:34:00.005-04:00

Way to go Chuck Klosterman.. you inspired me..

Back in high school, I had a friend Matt who was part of my barbershop quartet. Matt and I had different tastes in music but there was some bands/musicians that we saw eye to eye about. There also was this on-going theory about Matt (created by my best friend Darren and I). We believed, whatever current/new artist/musician Matt liked.. that artist was doomed to fail.

Here's some evidence..
Soul For Real --- dropped out of sight
Groove Theory --- Knocked of the charts
All-4-One ---- DEAD

Anyway..

In 2005, the Judd Apatow hit The 40-Year-Old Virgin was released in theaters to critical success. Steve Carell was beginning his reign as superstar and Judd Apatow took off into the stratosphere. Sure the movie had its moments, its laughs, but like Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, "i'm not going for laughs, I'm looking for gasps."

And nothing rings more true than the infamous dialogue between Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd. Cal (played by Seth Rogan) and David (Rudd) were going back and forth about why the other is "gay"

David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.

(audience gasps)

It was at that very moment, I gave my friend a look of worry. You know, that same look when you find out a close friend might be dying. I knew that second, it's all downhill for Coldplay.

I mean here's a band riding high since their famous 3 chord lullaby known as Yellow. A band that has outsold most bands of the decade. Here's a band, that some considered, the heir to the U2 crown. The most important band to come out of the UK since Radiohead. You get the picture. In 2005, it was taboo to even say anything bad about the media darlings and in an instant, an up and down movie actor cays the most dangerous thing to the Coldplay faithful. And right there, the floodgates opened.

Since the Rudd incident, Coldplay has been dubbed, the "most overrated band ever." The most "meaningless, bland, politically fake band with a frontman trying to be Bono." Coldplay has become the kid in your class that might of, might not of had lice in his hair. The designated high school slut who didn't let the high school jock go all the way with her.

I don't know... personally, I like the band. They have a special place in my heart for reasons I won't discuss here. Anyway, sometimes I'm tempted to call or write Matt and ask him if he's a Coldplay fan.

**There's a lot of bands that have walked the same path (ie. - Oasis, 80's hair bands, Fallout Boy, Nickelback) but Coldplay has somehow weathered the storm. In truth, there's a lot of reasons to not like a band but most of the time, they aren't very valid. **

Scientology is FANTASTIC!!

2008-09-19T13:07:00.000-04:00

Sisterhood of the Traveling Bra

2008-09-09T11:02:00.001-04:00

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Can we say Oscar?

- Fluffy Clark

Brendan Frasier Vows More CGI in His Films

2008-08-11T13:30:00.003-04:00

Brendan Frasier, star of the The Mummy Trilogy, has a taste for CGI in his movies. Actually, when I really think about it, what was the last non-CGI film with him in it? I'm thinking it was Gods and Monsters but I'm pretty sure Ian McKellan wasn't real in that film. I mean isn't he dead? Stratch that.. turns out he's still quite alive and trapped in a non-metallic holding cell.

Anyway, I'm starting to think that Brendan Frasier has a clause in his contracts that CGI must be used in his films. I heard he turned down a role in the Sex and the City movie cause they wouldn't use CGI to portray those monsters (carrie, samantha, charlotte, and miranda). In another film, a scene required he eat a stack of pancakes and he wanted Industrial Light and Magic to create the most realistic plate of pancakes you ever seen on the silver screen. That ultimately put the films budget in the red and it was never released.

- Fluffy Clark

Eli Manning is an Amazing Swimmer in the Olympics

2008-08-11T09:24:00.005-04:00

Dude.. Eli has been dominating. I heard he's going for the record in these Olympics. Seriously what can't this guy do.

OK.. kidding.. that's not Eli but Michael Phelps sure as hell looks like him. If you don't know how Eli looks.. here's a good shot of Michael... I mean Eli... side by side..

Oh and if they mated... their kid would look like George Muresan (Former NBA player).

- Fluffy Clark

Bucket List Item #7: Divorce Your Wife

2008-08-08T08:21:00.004-04:00

Morgan Freeman is living the good life. I guess surviving a near fatal accident made him re-consider my bucket list suggestion. And yesterday, Morgan Freeman can now cross off something on it.

DIVORCE YOUR WIFE.

Nice. I know exactly what was probably going on in Morgan's head while lying down on that hospital bed..

(cue Wonder Years Daniel Stern inner monologue voice to the music of The Byrds "Turn, Turn, Turn)
"For the first time in my life... I realized... I'M FUCKIN' HAWT!! Dude.. I just starred in one of the biggest f-ckin' movies of all-time. I need to seriously get on all dat! Naa mean.... Where mah hoes at? A player's got to play the game son!!"

So turns out Winnie Cooper wrote a book. I love her. Who didn't? She can definitely teach me math anyday. Supposedly she came up with some theorem. I did too. It's called the Fluffy - Cooper Combining Relationship Equation. It's goes a little something like this. If Fluffy = "me", then Cooper = "her". me + her = F-ckin' Amazing!!

So it turns out her real name is Danica McKellar.. who knew..

- Fluffy Clark

Tammy Wynette is Back From the Dead

2008-08-07T13:42:00.005-04:00

I'm totally kidding. This is a picture of Mena Suvari at Andy Warhol's 80th Birthday. Did she just age like 50 years before our eyes? Is this future Mena sent back to the past to change the future of her disappointing career? Seriously Mena, Hollywood is all about turning back the clock not going waaaaay forward. I think there's an opening for her in the new Cocoon movie.

- Fluffy Clark

Jenna Jameson Pregnant with the Anti-Christ

2008-08-07T13:29:00.003-04:00

Turns out, disease carrying, global extinction, virus carrying, former pornstar, Jenna Jameson is pregnant with Tito Ortiz's Anti-Christ kid. (cue Omen music)

Sanctus... Dominus!!

Seriously, I'm booking my ass to the colony; an underground facility where the best, brightest and most handsome hide during the fallout of the Anti-Christ's war on the human race. Jameson's sexual partners rival the population of China and her body is just a cesspool of new and more deadlier diseases. Throw in the fighting ability of Tito Ortiz and you have the perfect weapon to end all life in the universe.

- Fluffy Clark

Tara Reid is Not "Family Friendly"

2008-08-07T13:12:00.005-04:00

Tara Reid had so much potential. The girl can seriously party with the best of them and she totally got paid for it. Well, these days, Tara hasn't been so fortunate and those lavish gigs of kicking off the New Year in some neighborhood bar/sh-thole are starting to dwindle. In other words, the girl needs work like a fat kid needs 8 meals a day.

Anyway, Tara has tried to score a spot on ABC's Dancing with the Stars, but producers don't think she's "family friendly." In other words.. they think she's a drunken mess of a human being on the track to host shows such as Dirty Jobs which in essence, would be about her life 24-7.

Fox News reports....

According to our inside source, the perennial party girl has applied for the show multiple times but was rejected each time on the basis that she isn’t "family friendly" enough. Ouch.

But.. sluts.. I mean.... good wholesome, sex tape filming, christian women like Kim Kardashian gets to bring her badunkadunk to the dance floor.

And speculation has been stirring for quite some time about whether Kim Kardashian will bring her booty into the ballroom — but it looks as though it’s going to be a double whammy this season. A Kardashian camp insider said that Kim will be battling against her mom, Kris Jenner.

- Fluffy Clark

It's Totally in the Bag Andrea Bocelli

2008-08-05T13:35:00.004-04:00

Andrea Bocelli's voice is so powerful, women's panties just fall off. And after watching this video, looks like he's going to make the moves on Elmo (Avenue Q style!!). Seriously, European dudes definitely don't understand the concept of personal space. Why does he have to lean closer to Elmo everytime he talks...what are you blind??!! (ok... turns out... I just found out he is actually blind. I really didn't know that. I just added this after I posted.) That's creepy man. Elmo better protect his "special area." Here's the lesson kiddies... never have a European dude sing you to sleep. They are all child molesters.

- Fluffy Clark

Lucius Fox Injured in Car Accident

2008-08-05T08:00:00.006-04:00

I'm sure you saw The Dark Knight by now. I mean seriously, everyone in the world probably saw the film. The other day, I was talking to my friend who is an Aborigini in the outback of Austrailia and they even had a tribal screening of the film.

Anyway, I read yesterday that Lucius Fox (AKA Morgan Freeman to you people who didn't see Dark Knight) got into an accident this past weekend. OK, while I'm concerned about his safety and all, I'm more worried about, if he dies, "who is going to make Batman all those wonderful toys?" Seriously, after this accident, I would seriously start to consider a real "Bucket List". Here's what I picture Morgan Freeman's list to look like..

Number 1... "Bang Lindsay Lohan... oh wait... I already have..."

2.) Party with Roger Clemens... and I want him to remember it.

3.) Be the first black James Bond... but instead of 007, I want to be 009 and a half inches. That's more me. Holla!!

4.) Eat a panda.

5.) Make a Shawshank Redemption 2 about the years of Andy and Red going cross country robbing banks and meeting strange folk.

6.) When I die, be buried like those gun slingers of the wild west. Have pennies over my eyes in a striped suit and a lot of blush.... kinda like bozo the clown.

- Fluffy Clark

You Seriously Can't Make This Stuff Up.

2008-08-04T10:41:00.003-04:00

Ali Lohan Auditions for Porn

Taken from OMG.com cause they said it best...

Whoops!

On the finale of E!'s Living Lohan, cameras followed 14-year-old Ali Lohan as she went on an audition for the horror movie Trolls.

Unbeknownst to Ali, she auditioned for Peter Davy, director of such adult flicks as Voodoo Lust and Dreams in the Forbidden Zone, TMZ.com reported Wednesday.

Ali obviously had no idea about Davys past," her rep tells Usmagazine.com. "If she did know, she never would have auditioned for him.

TMZ.com reports that Ali's mom Dina "went nuclear" when she got word.

Ali hasn't been quiet about her desire to be famous.

"I grew up watching Lindsay, and it made me want to do what she does," she told Teen Vogue earlier this year. "Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage, with everybody listening to you ... it's so cool when people look up to you.

"I want it so bad," she said of fame. "So bad you don't even know. And now, it's actually happening. I've already been asked for my autograph, and it's just a really good feeling to have."

Haha. Oh my god... just to add. Ali really wants what Lindsay has but she's a little behind. She needs to start having a lesbian lover, use massive amounts of drugs, attend rehab, breakup marriages, and sleep with as many people in hollywood.

- Fluffy Clark

Ferris Bueller Cheated on Sarah Jessica Parker

2008-07-23T13:40:00.007-04:00

So it turns out Matthew Broderick has been cheating on his wife, Sex and the City star, Sarah Jessica Parker, with a 25 year old girl. The Star reports...

Sources say the woman felt conflicted with her relationship with Matthew, whom she nicknamed "Matty Cakes." She tried to end it, say insiders, but that didn't happen and over the next month — when Sarah Jessica was filming Sex and the City: The Movie in Los Angeles — multiple eyewitnesses say they saw Matthew make late-night visits to the other woman's apartment building.
During one tryst, they arrived at her friend's apartment after a night of heavy drinking, says a source. She dragged Matthew into the friend's bedroom, then shut the door. "A half hour later, Matthew opened the bedroom door, mumbled 'Well... 'bye!' and walked out. The friend found her passed out on the bed in her panties."

Maybe now she can finally be with Big.. or Adan.

- Fluffy Clark

The Pope Mobile Inspired Stroller

2008-07-18T10:54:00.005-04:00

The Bulletproof Stroller is perfect for anyone who thinks their child's life might be in danger. I'm not talking about diseases or illnesses but bullets, explosions, or suicide bombers. That's right.. you heard that correctly. You will feel safe knowing your child be inside 4 inches of bulletproof steel. Perfect for NFL players, NBA players, Hip-Hop Artists, Politicians, and couples with psycho exes.

Hell, I got it cause my child(John) is constantly under attacks from killer robots from the future. They seriously want us dead cause supposedly he'll be some great leader against an endless army of rebellious cyborgs in a near future global dystopia.

- Fluffy Clark

Rumors and Tidbits

2008-07-17T08:04:00.005-04:00

So this is the section of the page I like to call, "Rumors and Tidbits"... aka, Fluffy Clark is too lazy to write a full post about these people.

So here's the news around the celeb world.

PARIS TRIES TO INFECT CRISTIANO RONALDO

Turns out Paris Hilton has been trying to get with recently single international soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo. This ugly guy here. Fortunately, he was smart enough to turn her down. Good for him. Who knows what mutated strains of herpes Paris has by now. I mean isn't she dating or was dating Benji Madden from Good Charlotte? After sleeping with her, I heard that guy has 2 weeks to live. She's like the virus-carrying monkey from Outbreak, except nowhere even close to as hot as that thing is.

ANDY DICK IS A DICK....

The best actor in Hollywood, Andy Dick was recently arrested and charged with drunkeness and sexual battery. Dude, he tried (or did) pull down a 17 year old's bra.

According to the AP..

Police were called to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Murrieta at about 1:13 a.m. to investigate a report of "an intoxicated male" urinating outside the bar and causing a disturbance, according to a police statement.
When they arrived, a 17-year-old girl told police that she was outside when Dick left the bar, walked up, "grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down and exposed her breasts," the statement said.
Dick was identified by the teenager and a witness, police said. Marijuana and the drug Xanax were found his pants pockets during a search and he appeared "extremely intoxicated," police said.

YOU'RE CAREER IS SO DONE HEIGL

Turns out Katherine Heigl's days on Grey's Anatomy are done. Her character might be killed off in the next season. (i'm praying for the meteor attack that takes her out. Oh or her falling down an elevator shalf... Or hell, OUTBREAK MONKEY!!)

US Weekly says..

The idea came after Heigl, 29, withdrew herself from Emmy contention, saying that she didn’t feel she was “given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination.”
In response to Heigl’s griping, staffers are considering giving her character, Dr. Izzie Stevens, a brain tumor.
“[Producer] Shonda [Rhimes] and the writers are pissed at her,” the source tells Us. “It’s their way of screwing with her. She won’t know whether she’s going to live or die.”

So if you want to keep your job Katherine, you're going to have to kiss some serious bootay. You should probably take some lessons from Dr. Drake Ramoray, who was the best damn TV doctor EVER till the writer's killed him off.

REGGIE BUSH TELLS KIM KARDASHIAN SHE NEEDS TO DROP SOME POUNDS

New Orleans Saint's running back, Reggie Bush apparently told his girlfriend, Kim "Baby Got Back" Kardashian that she needs to lose some poundage, or needs to lose some junk in the trunk, the badunkadunk. Word.

RAMPAGE JACKSON'S CLOAKING DEVICE FAILED

OK, first off, I don't even know who the f-ck Rampage Jackson is. I heard he was like a UFC (turns out that means Ultimate Fighting Champion and not Ultimate Fried Chicken... which sounds incredibly better than KFC) champ. Yeah I wouldn't know, I like to watch Top Chef, drink my beer in a wine glass(not from a beer can holder on a hardhat), and own a car that's not a pickup truck.

Turns out Mr. Jackson hit some cars and tried to avoid the police. I heard that's illegal.

A Costa Mesa patrol officer attempted to pull Jackson over after he was seen weaving in and out of traffic with a flat front left tire, according to a release issued by the Costa Mesa Police Department. Jackson, 30, continued driving to avoid being stopped. Losing control of the truck, Jackson drove up onto a sidewalk. He continued on, colliding with a vehicle in an intersection and running several red lights.
Eventually, the truck came to a stop and Jackson, originally of Memphis, Tenn., was arrested without incident at gunpoint.

So the best part of this story was when I saw a picture of his car...

HAHAHA!! OK seriously guy. You have your name and face all over that thing and you really think a camouflaged painted car is really gonna help you evade the police. Here's some news... They can see you Rampage!! Camo only works when you are in a forest. Oh and they have your name, I'm sure you can figure out how.

- Fluffy Clark

I FINALLY FOUND WALDO!!

2008-07-17T07:51:00.005-04:00

Image courtesy of Splash News

When my little cousins use to show me their Where's Waldo? books, I use to have the hardest time finding that bastard. It didn't help that I was color blind and I was too poor to afford glasses so my sight was limited to within 3 inches from my eyes. I was like Mr. Magoo but 1/100 of his age and a hell of a lot more sexier. God those books were frustrating. But no longer.. ladies and gents, I finally found Waldo and he looks like that guy Kelly Osborne.

- Fluffy Clark

Megan Fox Wants to Do Art Films

2008-07-15T14:54:00.003-04:00

OK, so I read this on TheSuperficial and I decided to share since it's friggin' hilarious. Here's what they wrote..

Megan Fox stated she wanted to do more art films.

“I would love to do a movie naked – it would be beautiful. No one dares make that kind of film today. They did it in the 1930s in an arty way, so why not now?”

Um, I believe there's a word for "that kind of film." It's called porn. That said, Megan Fox should be allowed to follow her heart and live her dreams and whatever else needs to be said to get this thing done. What can I say? I support the arts.

Baby Wars 2008

2008-07-15T14:35:00.004-04:00

"It's the most wonderful time.. of the year!!" You know what that means right? BABY WARS 2008!! (in deep cinematic trailer voice)

The baby business is seriously booming this year in hollywood and the thunder from down under, Nicole Kidman has kicked it off. Supposedly, Keith and Her don't approve of Brad and Angie selling their baby photos..

A friend of Kidman told the Sydney Morning Herald:

"They don't think it's appropriate to make deals. They are still deciding how they feel about - if and when they will release a photo at all. But they realise there is enormous interest from the public and they are grateful and appreciative of that," the source said.

So while Alba and Spears racked in about a measly million each...

Insiders are speculating the (Jolie-Pitt)pics will go for between $15 million to $20 million. In fact, one photo-agency owner guesses that the only other thing that could possibly demand that much money is “Britney Spears giving birth to an alien.”

I wouldn't doubt that Britney would give birth to an alien sometime soon. Or maybe an illegal alien baby. I'm guessing those pics would go for a million also. A million pesos.

- Fluffy Clark

You Know You Are Too Rich When.... J-Lo Edition

2008-07-15T13:57:00.002-04:00

This is when you know you made it in this world.

The actress apparently insists on dressing her five-month-old twins in new designer gear every day.
We're told: "Jennifer was approached by a charity and asked to donate some dresses for a celebrity auction. She agreed and donated a gorgeous £5,000 frock.

"She also offered some of Max and Emme's clothes, telling organisers that she never lets them 'repeat' outfits.
"But the auction deals only in adult clothes. Jennifer told them it was a shame, as some items cost over 1,000 dollars each."

Wow.. Holy Sweet Jesus!! Those kids are rolling big time. So lemme do the math here.... a new outfit everyday which cost a minimum of $1,000 each for 365 days equals... ELEVENTY BILLION DOLLARS a year. Their clothing budget probably rivals the GNP of some First World Countries. I don't see J-Lo getting up in the morning earning the dough so it must be Marc Anthony. That guy must be exhausted. He's probably doing singing gigs from 5am - 4am each day while making time to pick up some new outfits for the week for his kids. No wonder he always looks like a zombie. Christian Bale from The Machinist probably got more shut eye than Mr. J-Lo.

But wait, (going back to the repeat outfit thing) this ain't so crazy. I don't do repeat underwear. Sure, I don't change underwear everyday (I usually wear it for a six month stint) but I NEVER "repeat" with that same pair. In a matter of weeks, it gets all tattered and damp and I start to look like I'm wearing caveman undies. Sometimes, when I take the ladies home, they ask, "why do you always wear black underwear?" I say, "i don't babe, it was white."

- Fluffy Clark

Suzanne Somers Needs Work... and Attention

2008-07-15T13:43:00.002-04:00

http://view.break.com/536871 - Watch more free videos

Yikes!! I think Suzanne just showed her octopuswa to all of America. Years of therapy can't correct this. I'm probably gonna start dating guys now... This is more traumatic than the time I saw Bob Saget's stand-up comedy skit.

- Fluffy Clark

Stepford Wives Wasn't Fiction

2008-07-09T08:12:00.003-04:00

Remember when Nicole Kidman looked like a real human being?

Now she looks like this monster..

See I thought the Stepford Wives was a smart, entertaining comedy. Now I'm starting to think it was an autobiography about Nicole Kidman's life. I thought the point of cosmetic surgery is to make it less obvious and invisible. Well.. Mr. Surgeon (or Miss).. you failed miserably. Maybe she is a robot?

Oh and I heard she gave birth is a new robot.. I mean baby. The baby is going to get collagen injections on Monday. Go baby!!

- Fluffy Clark

Ranae Shrider Breaks the Silence and Talks About Sex With a Hobbit.. I Mean Midget

2008-07-09T07:59:00.002-04:00

Oh my god.. I seriously can't write anything that can be funnier than this interview Ranae Shrider(the girl who made a sex tape with Mini-Me) had with News of the World. (my comments in red)

On sex in general with a midget:
"So I'd lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees! It wasn't quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn't wear a condom. There was no point, they're all too big. On the whole though, he wasn't short of sexy skills and tried his hardest to make up in technique what he lacked in size." Wow, he didn't use a condom? He should of bought those rubber kitchen gloves and cut off the pinky finger. That probably would of helped.

On their first time and the Mini-Me's magical rebound skills:
"I had no complaints. But the whole thing was over in three minutes. It was strange having sex with someone who couldn't reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over. But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing." I recommend she get a tattoo of her face on her stomach so Mini-Me can have the effect of kissing her during sex. And 3 minutes.. wow that's like 2 min and 50 sec more than the average guy.

On why midget's prefer sex on dry land:
"I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub," she said. "Sadly I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in. But the bubbles were so thick and high that once he climbed in he got lost under the water and I couldn't see him." HAHAHAHA.. oh my god.. I'm crying over here... That's like a kid first entering the grown up pool.

- Fluffy Clark

Don't Ever Tell Bruce Willis to Shave His Beard

2008-07-09T07:36:00.002-04:00

Here's a video clip of the movie, What Just Happened? which is based on the book by the same name by Art Linson.The movie, due out Oct. 3rd, is a Hollywood tell-all about movie stars and what it's like in the industry.

Ain't It Cool reveals..

The above video is an actual beard-shaving tantrum depicted in Linson's book - which went down on the set of Lee Tamahori's THE EDGE - is so much funnier. The particulars: Baldwin shows up to the set of THE EDGE sporting a full beard, which he deems appropriate for his character; the studio, already cheesed at shelling out $5 million for a non-bankable "star", flips and demands that he shave; Linson, facing the possibility of replacing Baldwin with the less physically intimidating Bill Pullman (hot off of ID4 at the time), girds for war and, roughly, the following blow-up occurs

Not to self.... never work with Alex Baldwin. He's the modern-day, male version of Joan Crawford (as told in the movie Mommy Dearest). I'm afraid that if he looks in my closet he'll see I ONLY have metal hangers. He'll scream in that Baldwin-esque rage... "NO METAL HANGERS EVER!!!" while beating my face to a bloody pulp.

- Fluffy Clark

Michael Bay's "Dark Knight" Rejected Script

2008-07-07T13:20:00.005-04:00

What if Michael Bay wrote The Dark Knight? Check this out. The only thing this script needs is a slo-mo shot of a coffee mug breaking on the floor while showing someone's head down in disappointment.

This makes me think... what if Quentin Tarantino wrote the script to The Dark Knight. (hmm, that's an idea....) Or what if Michael Gondry directed a Batman film? Or Tim Burton.. oh wait he did do one(two) films.

- Fluffy Clark

A Glimpse of the Pit-Jolie Family 2 Years From Now

2008-07-03T14:48:00.003-04:00

With news of Angelina Jolie ready to pop 2 kids out of her belly, I can't help but think what this family is going to look like 2 years from now. She's having children like she's trying to collect Pokemon. It really wouldn't surprise me if she started naming them Charazar, or Pikachu, or Gigglipuff. Hell, she's having so many damn kids, the world is running out of names. So many, that she needs a small planet just to house them.

The census 10 years from now will reveal that 1/4 of the world's population is a member of the Pitt-Jolie tribe.

It's anybody's guess...

2008-06-30T15:32:00.004-04:00

Yes, it’s another entry dedicated to Amy Winehouse. Come on, she’s perfect blog fodder, especially when she’s slapping around her fans.

In between the weather and traffic reports this morning, I caught the latest “news” headline: Winehouse hit a fan after she tried to cop a feel of the beehive. Makes you wonder what she’s got stashed in that mess of hair placed so eloquently on her head…

That brings us to our first guessing game. Aside from a rat’s nest, what do YOU think is hidden in that havoc of hair?

~Dutchess Halfmoon

Image from www.koodos.com.

Yes! Finally, Vern Troyer has a Sex Tape. Midgets Around the World Rejoice!

2008-06-27T09:06:00.004-04:00

In a day I thought would never come, Mini-Me, Vern Troyer has a sex tape. Turns out a third party snatched the tape of Troyer and his former ex/live-in girlfriend. Midgets around the the world are probably celebrating like we just defeated the Nazis. I heard there was a ticker tape parade when this news was announced.

Troyer, is like the god to midgets everywhere. He just fulfilled every little guys fantasy. Hooking up with a Giant. .. but...

My thoughts... HOW DOES THIS EVEN WORK??! I mean Vern is a "little person" and his girlfriend at the time is ...of... normal size. This is like Jack hooking up with the Giant's wife from Jack and the Beanstock.

I'm not even gonna attempt to download any videos of this. I'd probably be grossed out and worried for his safety.

What if he falls in and gets trapped. I mean seriously... how big do you think his "mini me" is? She probably had to handle it with tweezers and a 50x zoom magnifying lens.

This might be one of the few moments where we can clearly say.. "dude, she faked it."

But this might be good PR for Troyer. He needs it. I heard he was pretty bummed when he didn't get the Tony Stark role in Iron Man. (The part went to Robert Downey Jr.) I so thought it was in the bag.

So now I can officially cross Troyer off the list of celebs who need sex tapes. The only people I have left is..

Dakota Fanning
Haley Joel Osmet
The Pope
Betty White
Kermit the Frog

- Fluffy Clark

Boston: Waterfalls

2008-06-26T13:55:00.003-04:00

Yankees – Red Sox, Patriots – Jets, Waterfall vs Waterfall?

In light of the NYC grand opening of their newest art exhibition, NYCWaterfalls; leave it up to rival city Boston to one up the city of New York.

Boston Mayor Thomas M. Menino stated in a press conference months ago that “If New York can do it... We can do it 100x better”

He seriously wasn’t kidding.

Early this morning Boston unveiled their version, Waterfalls Boston: Bigger and Badder. Let’s just say, they used a little too much water. Oh and Bigger and Badder DO NOT even begin to describe this art installation.

Bostonians fleeing the unveiling ceremony seconds after the water was turned on

Aerial shot of Waterfalls Boston seconds after the water being turned on.

- Fluffy Clark

Strike Three... You're OUT!

2008-06-26T13:11:00.002-04:00

ABC News and several other major media outlets are currently recanting their story on the alleged authenticity of a “fake” video of a ball girl jumping several feet in the air to catch a ball at a Tacoma Rainiers-Fresno Grizzlies match up. Instead of reporting on the rising costs of gas, the government’s recent re-negotiations with North Korea, and Shia apparently becoming my baby’s daddy, these news outlets reported the “discovery” this forwarded film is a fake.

Not so says Jane Doe,* the star of the film.

“I always wanted to play professional baseball,” Doe says in a statement to the media. “They don’t let girls play, so the second best thing was to become a ball girl. I’ve worked really hard to get improve my endurance and agility. It’s really hard to have it all chocked up to a Gatorade commercial.”

Doe has asked for her identity to remain anonymous because she worries about the repercussions it will have. “People have been calling the news agencies to find out my name and location, just so they can recruit me.”

Doe’s parents also have concerns about the publicity. “She is only 13 years old. She still has a lot of growing to do. We don’t want her to turn out like Lindsay Lohan.”

Calls to Gatorade were not returned.

*Names have been changed for privacy protection.

~Dutchess Halfmoon

Shia Gets Some Shocking News

2008-06-25T09:36:00.004-04:00

Here's Shia's reaction when he found out he's having Dutchess' baby. That's right, you read that correctly.. having Dutchess' baby. Like a guest on Jerry Springer, he denied it.

Oh and here's his reaction after the call...

I think he looks totally psyched!

- Fluffy Clark

Say it with a Shirt

2008-06-23T12:13:00.002-04:00

I am an addict when it comes to celebrity fights. I liked it much better when Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie weren't friends. Even if it was totally planned for TV ratings, the smack talk was rampant in the tabloids... so much fun!

I love it even more when the fights go down via t-shirt slogans. (Remember Britney's MILF tee... I so wanted to pop one out just so I could sport her style...). But seriously, what better way to throw down?!?

Jessica Simpson created the latest apparel attack against Carrie Underwood (her bf Tony Romo's ex), after she was photographed wearing a tee reading "Real Girls Eat Meat." It was a true attack on character, as Underwood currently holds the two-time PETA title "Sexiest Vegetarian." It's still up on the air on who's character was really attacked in this scenario... Also still to be determined– whether or not Jessica can decipher what "meat" is.

But hold the BBQ sauce! In recent news, PETA states Underwood may lose her title after sporting her comeback:

The authenticity of this photograph has yet to be proven, but in either case, it makes a statement.

Simpson photograph/omg.yahoo.com. Underwood Photo-illustration/Dutchess Halfmoon.

~Dutchess Halfmoon

McConaughey Godfather of Surfing Gang

2008-06-23T11:07:00.007-04:00

Reports have surfaced that the paparazzi reporter that was "assaulted" by a "group" of surfers known to be friends with Matthew McConaughey has file charges. He claims he was injured and his camera was thrown into the ocean when he tried to take photos of the hollywood star.

Best part is.. the surfers threatened the paparazzi by drawing a line on the sand and saying, "if you can beat us, you can have the beach." Then Frankie Avalon appeared with a pair of knives and fought off the cameramen.

Through my further investigation, I have discovered that McConaughey is actually the leader of this surfing gang in southern California. When not surfing(or making films) it turns out they dress up as former US Presidents and hold up banks. McConaughey, also known as "Bodhi" to his fellow made-men, has repeatedly denied he is part of a gang. But my dear friend, former Ohio State QB, FBI agent, Johnny Utah has stated that his investigation proves McConaughey's involvement.

By posting this, I'll probably be dead by torture later today. I'm sure McConaughey sent his henchmen to my home ready to tie me up, burn me with surf board wax and force me to listen to Jack Johnson tunes till my ears bleed. By midnight, I'll probably be sleeping with the sharks. Tell my wife (Megan Fox) that I love her.... and no sex EVER after I die... if it was up to me, she'd be coming with me... like a Viking funeral. Ah, those were the days.

- Fluffy Clark

The Women of Sex and the City are Role Models

2008-06-23T07:54:00.004-04:00

HBO's show, Sex and the City redefined the public's perception of the "modern woman." The women on the show were successful, independent, beautiful women who proved that their accomplishments were not based on looks alone. So much so that... (courtesy of Page Six)

Maybe seeing themselves on the big screen was too much to take for "Sex and the City" stars Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis. Apparently, soon after the movie's release, they both paid a visit to Roosevelt Hospital on 10th Avenue for minor surgeries. "Cynthia had a breast augmentation and soon after, Kristin had the varicose veins on her legs removed," said an insider. "They both made sure they did it on the quietest day of the week." It could explain why Davis always wears long hems. Nixon, whose rep denied the surgery, could have been disappointed with her topless scene. Davis' rep had no comment."

I'm hoping there's a sequel to the Sex and the City movie. Can you imagine? It'll take place 1 hour after the events of the first film and (spoiler here... DON'T READ AHEAD IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW)

Big dumps Carrie's ass after realizing... "shit, I'm f-ckin' money..... in 10 years, Carrie will look like a mummy and I'll age like a fine wine ready to pounce on some 21 year old model. I can't do this." This then leads to Carrie writing any article about "Cougars" and seeing if there is a sex life after the age of 65. I'm sure at this point Samantha would of gotten an STD (or even created a new strain of Herpes especially after all those dudes she got with. She'll be like medusa.. but not as pretty; if you look directly at her, you probably contracted something.) Charlotte will probably attempt to have a kid at age 55 and Miranda will probably end up gay after realizing how gross Steve is. I know what you're thinking.. and the answer is "no I don't watch the show. I'm usually too busy reading my issues of Maxim magazine at that time."

- Fluffy Clark

Red Carpet Highlights: The Daytime Emmys

2008-06-21T22:57:00.007-04:00

Jeanne Cooper (Young and the Restless) prepares to take flight in her Flying Squirrel dress.

They are quite the trend setters on the set of the Young and the Restless! Greg Rikaart gets creative after an incident with a shredder and his tie... or is that a pathetic excuse for a scarf?

Always a symbol of style and grace, Tyra picks a tasteful number to go with her new platinum 'do.

Photos courtesy of omg.yahoo.com.

~Dutchess Halfmoon

Mike Myers is Celebrity Royalty

2008-06-21T11:11:00.006-04:00

Mike Myers was on the Conan O'Brien show earlier this week to promote his amazing, Oscar-worthy film, The Love Guru. Staffers on the show claimed he was a pain in the ass.

..he drove backstage staffers bonkers while he waited to go on. "He sent a team of interns on a wild goose chase for Silk nondairy creamer, Twizzlers and raspberry seltzer," said our witness. "Then he sent one of the interns back out to get him a new drink when he realized his seltzer was not the brand he requested."

OK, seriously?? What's the problem here people? This doesn't sound any different from the normal, average lifestyle Dutchess and I have everyday. At our job, we have the interns make us a Komono Dragon Egg Omelette EVERY morning. Sometimes, we ask them to fetch us OJ from Florida, light my cigarette with a lit $100 bill, or feed my steak to me like a momma bird. Dutchess will have them massage her corns or ask them to stand still while we toss garbage, wet cabbage and other degrading stuff in their face. Oh and they can't make direct eye contact with me and must always be on their hands and knees in my presence. Is that unreasonable? I don't think so. Geez people... get a life!!

- Fluffy Clark

Coming Soon: Orchestra Hero

2008-06-20T22:40:00.002-04:00

Harmonix and Activision, the makers of the hit video games, Guitar Hero and Rock Band, comes the newest addition, ORCHESTRA HERO.

Why bother having 4 friends rock it out in Rock Band when you can have 50(that's the minimum... max 100) of your closest friends jamming out your symphony fantasies in your small ass East Village apartment. You choose from such instruments as piccolos, flutes, oboes, english horns, clarinets, bass clarinets, bassoons, contrabassoons, horns, trumpets, trombones, bass trombones, tubas, timpanis, snare drums, tenor drums, bass drums, cymbals, triangles, wood blocks, tamborines, marimbas, vibraphones, xylophones, glockenspiels, gongs, tubular bells, saxophones, alto saxophones, baritone saxophones, classical guitars, sitars, bass guitars, cowbells, harps, violins, violas, violoncellos, double basses, cellos, bagpipes, african tribal whistles, spoons, air guitars, and empty jug bottles.

The game also features hit tracks from the 80's... 1780's!! Now you can jam to tracks from famous composers such as Handel, Mozart, Beethoven, Vivaldi, Sousa, and John Tesh.

But how much does this cost? $50... nope...... $100.... nope...... $200... not even close.... It would cost you over $6000 to have every instrument just to play the game.

- Fluffy Clark

Battle of the Celebrity Spawn

2008-06-20T21:08:00.000-04:00

It's certainly no death match, but I thought I'd start off in true Celebraholic-style. Our first celeb battle squares up Jamie Lynn Spear's new squirt against Jessica Alba's superbabe. (Let's be realistic here. How long did you think we could go without mentioning a Spears?!?) Kumité!

Round 1: What's in Name? Jamie Lynn keeps it southern, naming her baby girl Maddie Briann. Alba, on the other hand, stays true to celeb status, adding another crazy name to the celebrity kids list: Honor Marie. What did you expect from a woman who married a man named Cash? Round 1 Winner: Honor Marie.

Round 2: Baby's Daddy? Cash Warren, Alba's hubby, has a nice resume, including Made in America and Fantastic Four. I've never even heard of 19-year-old Casey Aldridge. Google him. Seriously, this kid's professional title is going to be Baby Daddy. I wouldn't be surprised if he pulled a K-Fed. Round 2 Winner: Sorry Maddie, but this one goes to Honor Marie.

Round 3: Are you My Mom? Disney versus Dark Angel? Please. Do I even have to go through this one? Age aside, if Honor inherits any of her superhero-of-a-Mom's kick butt moves, Maddie doesn't stand a chance. Round 3 Winner: The Superbabe.

Round 4: Show Me The Money. Although she's still got plenty in the piggy bank from Fantastic Four II and The Love Guru, the only thing Alba's cashing in on recently is motherhood. Interview after interview, she describes her hopes to be a "strict mom." If Lynne Spears rubs off on her daughter at all, Maddie will certainly be making bank. After selling out on her daughter's story, let's not hold our breathe to find out how much they'll be making off of those baby pics... Oh, the insanity. Round 4 Winner: Million Dollar Baby Maddie.

Winner: Honor. Hey, this name is starting to make sense...

~Dutchess Halfmoon

Amy Winehouse is Quite the Looker

2008-06-20T15:57:00.001-04:00

Amy Winehouse looks hot. She looks like she just got back from a long day of assembling B-29 World War II bombers. (that is soooo sexy) Rosie the Riveter (AKA Amy Winehouse) fainted in her home earlier this week and supposedly it has something to do with a chest infection and an irregular heartbeat. Pfft... whatever... I think it's those long days at the munitions factory while the men are fighting in the Pacific. Way to go Amy.. "You Can Do It!!"

- Fluffy Clark

Are You a "Celebraholic"?

2008-06-20T13:35:00.001-04:00

This is the most awesomest blog you will ever read. Like ever. Seriously.

If you can't wait to see the latest issue of US Weekly in your mailbox, this blog is for you. If you TiVo every reality show known to man, this blog is for you. And if you're sick and tired of seeing celebrity "news" on Good Morning American, this blog is for you.

Side note here: According to Wikipedia (the most reliable resource on the web) the word "PARODY" is defined as: "a work created to mock, comment on, or poke fun at an original work, its subject, or author, by means of humorous or satiric imitation."

Let the fun begin!

~Dutchess Halfmoon